your parents love me but you hate me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
