THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
