I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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