Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Vodka?
Forever.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
