My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
