I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
