I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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