Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
