so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
