can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
