ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
