This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
