i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
