I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
