the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
