make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
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