guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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