Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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