Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
