I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
