remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
