how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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