just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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