Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
