I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
