do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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