Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
