If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
