she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
