She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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