I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
