Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
