Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
