i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
