i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
