My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
