Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
