He is such a slut. More and more my type.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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