If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
