I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
