All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
