When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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