Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
