so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
