Do you still have your period?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
