I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I understand Curling. That high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
