I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
