I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
