just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
