Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
