I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
